Title: Flesh and Blood 1/1
Author: buffyaddict13
Fandom: Criminal Minds
Rating: FRC/PG
Type/Characters: Gen, Reid, Hotch, Morgan, JJ, Rossi, Diana Reid
Summary: It's not flesh and blood, but the heart that makes us fathers and sons.
A/N 1: A tag for episodes 4x06 and 4x07 The Instincts and Memoriam. Thank you to my darling beta riverbella and to cycatryx for the encouragement.
It is not flesh and blood but the heart which makes us fathers and sons.
~Johann Schiller
He accompanies his mother back to Bennington.
He sits beside her on the faded couch and holds her hand. She looks tired, unwell, and Reid wants the words to undo the damage he's done, the pain he's caused her. But the right words elude him, so he apologizes--again--for everything.
Diana looks at him, lifts an eyebrow. “Well, you certainly can’t say it’s been dull,” she says with a sardonic smile. Reid wants to smile back, but something is wrong with his eyes. The next thing he knows his hands are over his face and his mother’s head is pressed to his. “Spencer,” she whispers. “All you wanted was the truth. And in the face of your father’s denials–and my own–you didn’t give up until you had it. I admire you for that, Spencer. For you tenacity, your quest to know things. Life hasn’t been easy for you, and I know…I know I’ve made it difficult for you. I don’t think demanding the truth about what happened to Riley was too much to ask. Not when so few people give it.”
Reid tries to reconcile this brave and loving woman with the person who had tried to deny Riley Jenkins his place in reality, tried to beat the very memory of him out of her head. It’s a difficult process. He feels unworthy of the first woman, responsible (and afraid) for the second.
Diana’s lips brush Reid’s forehead just above his fingertips. “I’m so proud of you, baby.”
Reid’s eyes are still shut, his throat is too tight, but he lets himself feel, just for an instant, his mother’s pride. He lets Diana mother him, when for so long, he’s been the parent in their relationship. A ripple of sorrow washes over him at the thought he’ll never be a father; he’ll never give a child this simple gesture of comfort. But it’s for the best. The possibility of his child witnessing Reid’s own slow, steady descent into madness, or worse, his child being schizophrenic is more than Reid can bear.
Reid swallows, rubs his nose. He sniffs and gently pulls away from his mother. He looks at her pale angular face and tells her the truth. “I’m proud of you.” She’s always done the best she could for him He wishes he’d told her this before, a hundred times–a thousand. This might be the first time he’s said it, but it won’t be the last.
ooo
Reid is quiet on the jet. Rossi and Morgan chat about nothing much for a while: television, favorite authors. Neither man forces Reid to join in, but they remain nearby, their conversation an obvious invitation for Reid to contribute. Eventually, Rossi pulls a battered John Sandford paperback from his coat pocket. Morgan folds his arms over his chest, leans back in his seat and closes his eyes. Reid knows Rossi isn’t really reading and Morgan isn’t sleeping. He can feel their tentative gazes against the back of his head, hear the unspoken worry in their silence.
His stomach is tight with shame, his shoulders weighed down by guilt. He had actually believed there was a possibility--however remote--his father had killed Riley Jenkins. He had believed his father was capable of being a pedophile and a murderer. And he had been wrong. He had accused his father, forced his mother to relive one of the most horrendous days of her life. He reminds himself that he has answers now: who killed Riley, what happened to Riley’s killer, why his father left. He had thought answers would make him feel better. He was wrong.
Reid leans his head against the window, stares blindly at a sea of white clouds. He sees his mother’s weary face, hears the conviction in her voice: What’s done is done. His parents’ marriage, Riley’s life, Spencer’s childhood, his simmering resentment toward his father, the guilt over hospitalizing his mother. All these are done, all gone. He has new sins to atone for now, such as dragging his parents through a past he hadn’t understood, hadn’t remembered. He hadn’t realized how many old wounds he’d be reopening. But even now, after everything, he can’t say with any certainty he would have changed his actions.
Reid scrubs the purpled skin beneath his eyes. He has his truth. But at what cost to his mother? To himself? The knowledge that his father was ten minutes away and never once called or sent a card hurts more than Reid wants to admit. More than he’s able to admit.
He glances back at Rossi and Morgan. It looks like Rossi’s actually reading his mystery novel, but Morgan’s watching Reid. Derek nods slightly. “You okay, kid?”
Once, Reid might have seen their desire to help him as intrusiveness, an assumption of weakness on his part. He knows better now. Once, he would have insisted on being left alone; now their presence brings relief. He’s spent most of his life as an outsider, a freak. Reid realizes now, after everything that happened with Hankel (and after), it’s a gift to have someone to depend on. Someone other than himself.
Reid considers lying to Morgan, shrugging off the question, but he doesn’t. He tells his friend the truth. “I’m trying to be.”
ooo
He drives to the hospital as soon as he checks voice mail. He’s afraid he’s too late, that visiting hours are over or JJ will be sleeping. But as he rounds the corner, he can hear Emily’s voice followed by laughter. He slows his pace, brushes the hair from his face, hesitates outside JJ‘s door. He peers into the room and knocks gently on the doorjamb. “You guys have room for one more in here?”
The small room is crowded. Will is beside the bed; Hotch, Emily and Garcia orbit JJ and the baby like excited moons. JJ smiles up at him, radiant. “Spence, hi.“ The weight on Reid’s shoulders lifts slightly at the sound of his nickname. She‘s the only one who calls him that. Reid thinks he might have loved her once. Or the idea of loving her. Through the years they’ve grown closer, not as lovers, but friends. A surge of affection rushes through Reid at the sight of JJ and her baby.
Hotch grins at Reid and his superior looks lighter, younger, than he has in months. Reid wonders if being here is hard for Hotch, if he’s thinking of Jack. And then thoughts of Hotch and Jack are gone because now Reid can see--really see--the baby. “Wow,” Reid breathes, more than a little awestruck. He fumbles for Will’s hand, shakes it. “Congratulations.” The word does little to convey Reid’s sense of wonder or the sudden melancholy that wraps a tight hand around his heart.
Will smiles. “Thank you.”
JJ studies Reid, eyebrows knitted. “How is that I just went through fifteen hours of labor and you look worse than I do?” She shakes her head, a faint smile on her lips.
“Don’t be ridiculous,” Reid says quickly, eager to put JJ at ease, to avoid the concerned looks from his team mates. “You look beautiful.”
Reid’s gaze drops to her son. He wonders if his father ever looked at him the way JJ’s looking at Henry. And if he did, when did he stop? Had there ever been a time he’d been tempted to see Reid, to visit Diana? Reid tells himself it’s better not knowing. Because no matter what the answer is, it won’t be the right one.
“Well…I could sure use some coffee,” Will says, glancing around the room. “Anyone else? My treat.”
Hotch nods, casts a look at Emily and Garcia. “Sure.”
Truthfully, Reid would love coffee. He’s exhausted. But he’d rather make up for his late arrival and spend time with JJ and Henry. Will moves past Reid and gives him a friendly pat on the arm. Emily, Hotch and Garcia follow him out of the room. Reid moves closer to the bed, eyes on the baby. “Wow,” he whispers again. He’s never been comfortable around babies; they make him nervous, make him feel like he’s all elbows and thumbs. But Henry is different. Henry is JJ’s and Reid can’t help wanting to buy him a roomful of stuffed animals. And maybe a few illustrated classics like Tom Sawyer and Alice in Wonderland and the complete Sherlock Holmes--
JJ‘s voice interrupts the imaginary library Reid‘s building. “You okay?”
He’s not--not yet--but he wants to be okay. Especially for JJ. He nods. “Yeah, yeah. You?” The baby makes tiny snuffling noises and JJ bounces him gently. Reid has a sudden compulsion to touch the tiny blue hat on Henry’s head. Who knew they made hats that small?
JJ nods back, unconsciously mimicking Reid. “Yeah, yeah. You sure? Because there’s something I wanted to ask you, but it can wait.”
Reid’s eyebrows knit. “What is it?”
JJ looks down at Henry, touches the blanket he’s wrapped in. “Will and I were talking and…” she looks up at him, her face open and guileless, “and we want you to be Henry’s Godfather.”
Reid is stunned. A Godfather? He has no experience with children other than having been one himself once. And he hadn’t even been very good at it. Parenting is one topic he is not an expert on. He loves JJ for wanting this, for asking him, but he can’t. “I don’t even--I don’t know--”
JJ smiles warmly, holds the small bundle that is Henry toward him. “Here, do you want to hold him?”
He doesn’t. He can’t. He’ll drop him. Oh God. He’s going to drop Henry on his anterior fontanel and kill him. He has no idea how to hold a baby. They don’t even have the right number of bones. “Um.” He casts around desperately for something to say. Something like Did you know babies are born with approximately 270 bones? And an average adult has 206 bones. Reid can’t possibly hold Henry until his vertebral column fuses. And his soft spots close. He can’t--
“It’s okay,” JJ soothes and holds Henry out to him.
“I--I,” Reid stutters and then Henry is in his hands.
“There you go,” JJ beams.
Reid is holding a tiny person, part JJ and part Will, yet neither of them. A tiny person with a heart and a brain full of potential genetic time bombs waiting to go off and he needs to give Henry back. He needs to give him back to JJ now. Had his mother wanted to give him back as well? She probably had. She‘d been off her medication, she must have been so terrified. Reid feels that same terror now. He can‘t do this.
And then Henry looks at him, dark eyes on Reid‘s face. Reid looks back. “Hi,” he whispers. “Hello Henry.”
“If anything should happen to us, it’s up to you and Garcia to make sure this boy gets into Yale,” JJ grins.
A series of strange images unfolds in Reid’s mind: Spencer reading fairy tales to Henry as a toddler, blowing bubbles, playing hide and seek, building spaceships with Tinker Toys, sitting in a crowded gymnasium watching Henry play the part of a tree in a school play, helping Henry write an essay for his application to Yale. “Whoo,” Reid murmurs, eyebrows jumping. “Yale? Yale. Do you want to go to Yale, Henry?” Spencer smiles down at the small red face. “That was your Godfather’s safety school.” Henry’s eyes are closed now, and all the exhaustion, all the fear and misery of the past few days melts away. Reid never realized he could love someone he barely knows this much. “Don’t worry,” he tells Henry. “I can get you into Caltech with one phone call.” And he’s telling the truth. It’s strange. Reid’s known Henry all of five minutes and he already knows he’d do anything for him.
Henry feels warm and solid in Reid’s arms. He feels…good. JJ reaches over and adjusts her son’s blanket. She smiles at him and Reid’s eyes fill. She knew he needed this, that he wanted this long before he did. He remembers JJ pressing his hand to her belly, feeling Henry kick. Reid opens his mouth to say thank you, to tell JJ how much this means to him. Finally, after all the loss, he’s found something. Something precious.
For the first time in his life, Reid is grateful his father left. He’s thankful for each and every nightmare, for the lonely afternoons and lonelier nights. He’s thankful for each decision that brought him to the BAU, to his friends, to this moment. Standing here, eyes burning, Reid understands that just because he won’t have his own children doesn’t mean he won’t be a father. Reid finally understands he has a new family now; he has a group of people who accept him, who love him, for who he is.
Reid places a gentle kiss on Henry’s forehead. He’s already thinking about the baby books he needs to read; he’ll log onto Amazon and place an order tonight. He’ll call his mother too. And he’ll need to buy a new digital camera.
He and JJ exchange smiles. Hers is full of affection and pride. His is tremulous. He will prove himself worthy of this honor. He will. And in a few short minutes he’ll return Henry to his mother’s waiting arms. But he’ll never walk away.
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Comments
awesome babe
i just wanted to point out some of my other favorite lines as i was rereading this; some of the lines that made me go, "GAWD, how does she DO this?":
He feels unworthy of the first woman, responsible (and afraid) for the second.
Reid scrubs the purpled skin beneath his eyes. He has his truth. But at what cost to his mother?
Reid considers lying to Morgan, shrugging off the question, but he doesn’t. He tells his friend the truth. “I’m trying to be.”
Will is beside the bed; Hotch, Emily and Garcia orbit JJ and the baby like excited moons.
Reid has a sudden compulsion to touch the tiny blue hat on Henry’s head. Who knew they made hats that small?
And in a few short minutes he’ll return Henry to his mother’s waiting arms. But he’ll never walk away.
you have this amazing ability to infuse each emotion, each line with such perfect sensory images - it simultaneously steels me to the physical present and feeds me that necessary link to the characters' pasts. GOOD JOB BABE.
...i think, when you were born, saint francis de sales must have turned to god and said, "this one's mine." :D
“Well, you certainly can’t say it’s been dull,”
I love the mother that Diana Reid can be; she loves and admires her boy with a passion and gave all she had to make him all he could be. She recognizes his need for truth, and tries to give it to him. You wrote here what I figured was in Diana's head when she went off her meds to give Spencer the truth he needed. It's good to hear it (read it?).
I also like how Reid knows here he can't have children with the genetic threat of madness looming both over him and whatever kids he would have. It's a reasoned decision that Reid would make, and that thought process strikes a particular resonance.
Reid considers lying to Morgan, shrugging off the question, but he doesn’t. He tells his friend the truth. “I’m trying to be.”
Oh, Reid! He really is trying to be, isn't he? And I love how he's being much more open these days with his team, accepting them and trusting them as family.
JJ‘s voice interrupts the imaginary library Reid‘s building.
YAY! Reid's baby love = books! Isn't this how all people really, truly show they love someone? Personal libraries!
Reid can’t possibly hold Henry until his vertebral column fuses. And his soft spots close.
Aw, that's adorable! And only Reid would specify the portion of brain he would crush if he dropped the baby.
A tiny person with a heart and a brain full of potential genetic time bombs waiting to go off and he needs to give Henry back. He needs to give him back to JJ now.
The terror of holding and caring for a new soul is so palpable with this, and really underlines Reid's fears for/of children.
Finally, after all the loss, he’s found something. Something precious.
And this...
Standing here, eyes burning, Reid understands that just because he won’t have his own children doesn’t mean he won’t be a father. Reid finally understands he has a new family now; he has a group of people who accept him, who love him, for who he is.
And this...
And in a few short minutes he’ll return Henry to his mother’s waiting arms. But he’ll never walk away.
Thank you for this. It's perfect, and I love it.
yes! i love seeing reid becoming more open with them, too. he's come a long way from the days of not answering his phone when he's supposed to be catching a flight and telling prentiss that she doesn't know what she's talking about. ♥
Other than that, it's a wonderful story! I just love how you have Rossi and Morgan being concerned but discreet about it. Having them around is definitely giving him perspective. Also, I like h ow you insert his speculations about Hotch thinking of his own son. Spencer is just such a doll!! Thank you for sharing such a sweet story with us.
*smish*
THANK YOU.
..Eep. I'm fairly incoherent at this point.
i know! and i'm so proud of him! *pets* and thanks for reading this hon. i'm so glad you liked it!
*blush x billionty*
thank you SOOOO much babe! i'm thrilled you liked it!
*hands you tissue and gives you smish*
<33
That was lovely, just pitch perfect for the episode (though now I really want to see more Reid and Henry....*brain explodes from so much cuteness*)
Thanks for sharing :D
*glues your brain back together using glitter glue*
thanks for sharing :D
thank YOU for reading! <3333
p.s. i want more henry and reid too!
this is..this is...BEAUTIFUL! PERFECT! oh god woman, i keep falling in love with you over and over again... this is exactly what i felt watching the episode, and you wrote those feelings with so much grace !!!1!!!11! thank you sugarlove, thank you for writing this!
oh spencer! i wanna scoop him up in my harms the way i held my niece this morning.
*orbits around you like an excited moon*
(my recap of memoriam is very long and i don't know if and when i'll have the chance to translate it, but i can write you the last line: and there's where we leave him (spencer) with little Henry in his arms to whom he's already promising seas and mountains (<---it's an saying we have here, don't know if you have an equivalent one))
MWAH!
*glees x billionty*
omg thank you so much my sweet spice! *flails* i'm so glad you liked this! *clings*
whom he's already promising seas and mountains (<---it's an saying we have here, don't know if you have an equivalent one))
omg, that is a BEAUTIFUL saying! *loves*
have a happy day ms. auntie! :D
oh spencer! i wanna scoop him up in my harms the way i held my niece this morning.
*orbits around you like an excited moon*
(my recap of memoriam is very long and i don't know if and when i'll have the chance to translate it, but i can write you the last line: and there's where we leave him (spencer) with little Henry in his arms to whom he's already promising seas and mountains (<---it's an saying we have here, don't know if you have an equivalent one))
MWAH!
I especially liked Reid's internal panic about baby anatomy. I remember a colleague being terrified of holding my son for exactly the same reason.
thank you! <3 you just KNOW that's one of the things reid was freaking out about!
p.s. i'm still freaked out by holding babies. *does not want*
<3
kay. done now.
I can't believe no one put up any Baby!Reid fic before this! I saw the episode and was like, Baby!Reid! Iwant!
This fic makes me happy. : )
Excuse me while my ovaries explode from oxytocin shock. <3
i love your icon! also, i kind of heart baby!reid fic. i want 30 more scenes of reid holding henry. :D
thank you so much for reading this!
__
That opening quote? Is so true and SO awesome.
Oh. My. Fucking. God. Just STAB ME IN THE CHEST REPEATEDLY with this weeping Reid.
He feels unworthy of the first woman, responsible (and afraid) for the second.
No words, just awe.
A ripple of sorrow washes over him at the thought he’ll never be a father; he’ll never give a child this simple gesture of comfort. But it’s for the best. The possibility of his child witnessing Reid’s own slow, steady descent into madness, or worse, his child being schizophrenic is more than Reid can bear.
1. OMFGOW.
2. I can so see Reid taking this position on the show. No matter how much he might WANT to have kids. *WEEEEEEEEEEEEP*
Also, holy shit, if the saddest lines in all of fic don't spill from the mouths of Reids. JesusJesus.
“I’m trying to be.”
SEE? I SAID. OH MY GOD. Why do these things ALWAYS have to have such a HORRIBLE EFFECT UPON MY EYEBALLS? Why my EARS cannot leak awhile?
He wonders if his father ever looked at him the way JJ’s looking at Henry. And if he did, when did he stop?
This line alone demands the addition of a warning for people who have daddy issues. IT'S LIKE SAWYER & THE TREE & WEEPY JACK ALL OVER AGAIN.
Reid never realized he could love someone he barely knows this much.
No more stabbing. Beating about the head & shoulders with plush pink bunny rabbit that emits sparkly pink cartoon hearts and rainbow showers. Or some shit.
I can't even talk about that last line.
You know, it's kinda funny that I read this now, 'cause earlier tonight my mother was telling me about how her ex-partner (from work) once took care of a kid who kept eating his fake eyeballs, and now I'll be needing myself a pair since they seem to have been carried off by all the salt water leaking around them. Weird.
In conclusion, this fic was death to my ovaries and tear ducts, and. I. LOOOOOOOOOOVE. It. The fic. Not the death of essential body parts thing.
And now, I take my self & my fake eyeballs & my pony bracelet to bed, where I will have dreams of Reid trying to set fire to himself again, until he realizes he's running late for Henry's ballet recital. Or something. *sadsobbyhiccupoffuck*
there are things in here which may or may not be similar to things that have already been in place in your bday fic for a few weeks now, SO I DO NOT THIEVE FROM YOU, YOU'RE JUST... YANNO. *makes the in sync motions* ARGH.
flibberty.
thank you so much!
also, *ded from icon* <333
Your Reid voice is just perfect and the story is completely engaging the whole way though. Completely wonderful. ♥
I smiled the whole time I read it.
that is the best compliment i could get. thank you!
this is so absolutely, incredibly adorable... it made me all warm inside & tear up at the same time, just how i like my fic! so wonderful, ♥.
<3
so poignant
♥